Making Your Partner a Real Partner

I recently presented at a Society of Women Engineers conference about how to succeed in a Dual Career Household.

Here are the Highlights:

1.  Communication is Key
a.  Manage expectations - Share your values with your partner.  Let your partner know that your career is important to you.  This can start when you are dating.
I remember when I went out to dinner while I was still dating my now husband.  I was the maintenance manager at a 24/7 dairy plant and I got a call from work.  The plant was down and they needed my help troubleshooting the failure.  I bowed out of the rest of the date and although my husband was disappointed, it was not the last time I got calls at inconvenient times or in the middle of the night.  That said, further into the relationship I also had to set boundaries with my work about when I would go into the plant and when I would counsel by phone, but the experience demonstrated the nature and importance of my work.

b.  Build Trust - Effective communication requires that partners have built a level of trust so that they are able to be honest and open with each other, without fear of judgement.  I really like the book The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman.  It helps identify what style of love your partner appreciates so that you can demonstrate your love in a way that speaks to him/her.  Building a strong base of love and trust will help the communication and planning towards a family vision.

c.  Planning - Life is busy and in order to support each other, you need to coordinate your plans and schedules.  Especially after kids, the daily schedule requires more rigor and communication.  My husband and I share an online calendar that we can each see from our phone.  We add work events as well as weekend plans.  We discuss any unusual events at the beginning of the week and confirm who will pick up and drop off the kids on a daily basis.

2.  Clear Priorities - Defining a clear vision for your family helps when you are making decisions along the way, especially around relocation and kids.  This is a difficult discussion, especially when you are new in careers and not sure where you want to go personally, let alone together.  If you can not articulate specific goals, then describe what a successful future feels like.  This vision can change, but it is important to define your values and dreams for the future.  The vision can help set priorities as well as intermediate goals that you can work towards as a couple.  Think of yourselves as a team, working together to accomplish something great.  As you both grow, you can refine your vision, as well as the priorities and goals.  

3.  Division of Duties - With an increased number of dual income households, women still bear a majority of the household duties.  Do not just assume you need to do the same things your parents did.  Discuss the duties that need to be done in your household and who will do them.  It could change from week to week, depending on travel and work demands.  These duties should not be delegated to one or the other;  the work needs to be taken on voluntarily.  Another trap I tend to fall into is gatekeeping.  My husband will volunteer to cook during the week and I will get stressed out because I do not see him planning the way I would and I start to take over.  If you decide to split the duties a certain way, do not hover and provide negative feedback, unless you just want to do it yourself.  Outsource the mundane tasks that you do not need to do yourself (housecleaning, laundry, pre-made meals), if you can afford to.  There is no secret formula, this division can be what works for you and your partner, but you need to be honest when you need help and share the burden.

4.  Continuous Improvement - We are not perfect and circumstances change.  Be flexible when situations come up.  Have empathy and appreciate the work your partner is doing, both at home and work.  Forgive your partner when mistakes are made.  You are in this together and you need each other.  Continue to develop your "process skills" (time management, stress management, conflict resolution) to reduce conflict and stress.

Think of you and your partner as a team.  The same skills and tools that make work teams successful, help spouses and parents.  If you are clear about the Vision and work together for a common goal, the results can be very fulfilling.  

Let me know if you have suggestions that work for you.